Recently, I was in a meeting where I was asked about my role as a ‘Guru‘ back at O2. I was asked about what it was like, what my role entailed, and the question that always, always appears when I’m asked about it;
In April of 2017 I experienced a major anxiety attack in the middle of a shift in the job I was in at the time.
Panics, incoherent sentences spoken, and images from the mind full of the worst case scenarios would all play a part from start to finish of this period.
For the next two weeks, I would finish the day job and go straight back to the flat, and to bed, and I wouldn’t eat until 11PM, forcing something down.
This ended when I snapped out of this by talking to a few people, and re-shaping how I was planning certain things.
There’s been a couple of moments since then where I’ve felt some of these thoughts try to rise to the surface again, but I’ve had coping mechanisms to deal with these and they disappear.
It came close to coming back fully yesterday, but again, it subsided. I wanted to talk about that.
I’ve been freelancing full time since the start of this month, but doing it as a thing for almost 2 years now.
You learn things about yourself fast once you decide to do something you enjoy full time. I’ve learnt a few things already since the 1st October, but one thing that stands out more than the rest are deadlines.
I’ve had a few commissions that I’ve been finishing off these last ten days, but they’re commissions that have been drafts for a month, because they’ve been the ‘By all means finish it when you can’.
I’ve come to realise I really don’t want that anymore.
To those who are waiting for my copy, regardless of stating there’s no deadline and to take my time, I feel like i owe an apology regardless. No idea why, but take it.
Friends who know me in person I’m sure would gasp at that previous paragraph there.
I want a date to work towards, to hone at, to improve to. Some don’t. I was watching ‘The Defiant Ones’, last week again, and yet another line struck me, and this time it was Dr. Dre.
‘I don’t work towards deadlines, you can’t be creative when there’s deadlines. You can’t be spontaneous and realise there’s one other thing you can add to this thing you’re doing. You feel restrictive when there’s deadlines.’
But to me, I like having them. It makes me focus, and I like being organised up to a point, and deadlines is one of them. It makes you think that there’s an end point, and you’ve got time for that piece to make it the best you can be.
Without one, the piece is just another Duke Nukem Forever / Half Life 3 project to me.
‘It will be done when its done’.
Well, in the future, it will be done when the deadline says as far as I’m concerned.
Any commissions in the future, I will straight up ask for a deadline, otherwise, expect it in two months. Because it’s simply how my mind works. I can’t explain it any other way.
But also, I love that I’m writing when I want, how I want, and to have deadlines for something I love doing, I do not mind.
When it’s something you love to do, you’ll make sure it’s the best it can be, regardless of when it’s in for.
I wasn’t hoping for much this year at WWDC. The writing has been on the Apple Wall that there’s been a greater need for improvements in quality towards all of their Operating Systems as of late.
With watchOS, this wasn’t needed, just some features that have been requested since we’ve all become accustomed to those taps on our wrists since 2015.
With version 5 announced at WWDC, the time has now come to say goodbye to a model of the Apple Watch, namely the ‘Series 0’ model, which began the Apple Watch when it first launched, and one that I also own.
To me it’s understandable, but also slightly puzzling, as i was hoping for some kind of service to help update the Watch you’ve spent hundreds (or thousands when it came to the gold edition), so that it’s still relevant on your wrist.
Alas, I’m now looking at current models, alongside the standard rumours of what could be coming for Series 4, to see what these new models could benefit me, to ease the pain of spending all that money on one again.
In all honesty, I’ve struggled.